In reply to an article on, offered as a post to

Guest column contribution or just a madman in a closet with only a painted egg for company?

Apparently the dutch have decided, as a nation, that Tottenham are a small side. We are, say 77% of the people most famous for tulips, windmills, legal prostitution and drugs, “an average premiership side.”

I felt offended only until I considered the source more deeply. This is the nation that sent settlers to my hometown of Cape Town. Settlers who, when things got a little crowded around table mountain completely failed to notice the 400million square miles of land to the north and tried to chuck a mountain into the sea instead. They may have many qualities (including birthing Martin Jol) but, as a nation, acute observation is not their strong point.

To the 10% who think that spurs is an icehockey team.. I think you are ahead of your time. That will be in 2016 when the FA refuses to move football to a summer sport despite the fact that London’s latest winter attraction will be a glacier popping down from the north on an annual holiday shopping jaunt.

So, now that we have got the country’s most valuable national asset living in a country that exists largely above water we can at least be assured we will only be temporarily losing access to legal prostitution, tulips and drugs when the sea levels increase and they are all at the boat shop buying waterproof tobacco pouches.



Idiocy of a writer

July 27, 2006

When normal people cut themselves they start to bleed. Then, being normal and intelligent they either clean the wound and go and get a plaster. Or, if it is serious, take themselves to a hospital.

A writer, however looks at the wound, impressed. Trying to work out the right word for that particular type of red (blood red- idiot) and noting the patterns that the blood makes on the ground surrounding his* feet.

He notes how it feels, revels in the pain, in the experience and begins to write. He* loves this. Cannot believe how the words are flowing. How easy it is when pain and emotion are involved. Fantastic. My word- look a that stuff on the screen. I’ve never written anything like it. It get’s more surreal as he* starts to lose too much blood.

And he* is found, eventually, slumped over his computer console, somewhat lifeless, by a friend. The computer is switched off and the work is never read.

Because the writer is an idiot.


*- i recognise that there are female writers too. Cooking manuals and such. There might be blood there, too.

I fell in love Monday night. Number of people who know right now… 1. Me. never felt like this before. Loved women, yes. but, at the age of 33, this is the first time in love. Nothing has ever felt like this before. And I only met her on Monday (see 2 perfect moments and death of a cynic).

But this is no romantic comedy. This is going to end badly, there will be another piece that explains why coming up shortly. Decided to write a blog about it. Been thinking about a blog for a while, but a funny one. Some of the best comedies start with tragedy.

After all, everyone likes a train wreck.
Then again, perhaps it all works out. I’m a gambler. I’ll roll the dice.