Things you should be doing before you are 30 instead of working so damn hard (part one).

December 5, 2006

Spending more time with your children while they’re still young

This is terribly important because when they become teenagers they’re going to hate you. If you did not spend enough time with them they will think they hate you because you didn’t pay them enough attention when they were younger. This will turn them into disturbing, needy, clingy people who (if female) will end up dating my mate Jelly and having a messy breakup. Possibly involving police or social services but almost definitely involving the controlled destruction of his car. Which he cannot afford. Again.

Trying to get more people to have sex with you.

sex-sign-work-in-progress.jpgMales: This is particularily important up to the age of 30. No woman will really respect you unless you have slept around a bit. They want to know the man they chose was at least desirable at the time they chose him even if he has subsequently turned into a fat couch-monster shouting orders at fitter, better men on a TV screen (and more frequently, these days, a computer screen). Sure, you could just lie about it but you will get found out when one of your friends eventually decides he wants to bone your wife and lets out all your secrets to make you look bad.

Females: This is important for you not only so you can guide Mr. Couch Potato quickly and effectively to your natural orgasmic route but also because you want to scare away any men in search of women in the “pure and virginal” type of vein. One shag no longer deters these mysoginistic future wife beaters so you need to hit double figures as soon as possible to deter them and feel relaxed talking to strangers happy in the knowledge that at least one male “loser subspecies” will be quickly and easily deterred.

Eating foods that are bad for you.

At some point in your life your body will start to rebel. The same machine which used to be able to digest (and find nutrients in) fast food, alcohol and (once whilst stoned) beige linoleum will demand all the things your mother forced down your throat on pain of, well, pain when you were little. Spinach, lettuce, and cabbage will come back to haunt you like the ghost of christmas past or a creditor you thought had forgotten about you.

Doing dangerous and stupid things

Ending up in hospital at the age of 20 after trying to (whilst drunk) tackle a bush on the side of the road, missing and hitting the barbed wire fence behind, resulting in a tangled mess of human, rust, confusion and desperate fear when you realise the bull whose field you are now partially trespassing in is winding up for a glory charge in an attempt to turn you into and ideal organ donor makes for a funny story. Doing it when you’re pushing 40 is sad and people at dinner parties will edge away from you if you tell it. Yes, even the interesting people. How do I know? I just do. Risky stock market investments only count as stupid, not dangerous. Unless you do them using your wife’s money without her permission.

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2 Responses to “Things you should be doing before you are 30 instead of working so damn hard (part one).”


  1. This is one of my favourite pieces yet has never, ever, received a comment…

  2. Xenina Says:

    Awesome awesomeness. As a woman I have trouble disagreeing with anything you said. 😀


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