Idiocy on the Web

January 27, 2007

Beth Robbins is not a clever person in any sense of the word clever. She can write with decent grammar and either her magazine reading or her spell checker is up to date, if American in disposition. Nonetheless, Beth is an idiot. I use the word idiot advisedly: the freesearch dictionary describes an idiot, quite simply, as “a stupid person or someone who is behaving in a stupid way.” So we have her coming and going. This definition can leave her and her ilk in no doubt as to what I refer to.

I came accross the idiot Robbins because of my new favourite Internet site, the self proclaimed ‘best page in theuniverse’. The reason why I enjoy the writing can be expressed by his opening statement:

“This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong.”

In this age of deference, political correctness and religious tolerance it is refreshing to come accross someone who is opinionated, bigoted, nasty, confident and (most importantly) well spoken. He writes like a man who finally cracked at the unrepenting idiots of the world (just like Beth) and needed a place to vent. For instance, in his piece titled “Five shitty movies that everyone loves” he matches my feelings exactly:

“Ever watch a blockbuster movie that blows so much that you feel like you have to scrape a layer of turd-shaped photons off the back of your retinas, yet everyone else in the universe can’t wait to fellate the director of the big-budget shit festival you just watched? I know I’m not the only one who walked out of “Willow” thinking “too bad I don’t know any midgets so I could remind them that the golden age of midgetry will soon pass and that I will always be taller.” Just kidding, that was mean; there was no golden age of midgetry.”

Our dear, idiot Beth wants maddox shut down. Eradicated from the internet. Destroyed and probably hung, drawn and quartered (although she probably wouldn’t want it done in front of children). Her website, called MAM or Mothers against Maddox, is dedicated entirely to this ideal. Her reasons? Maddox is offensive! Maddox is making children unhappy, angry and hateful! The good news is she believes in free speech on the internet. Hooray! Oh, wait. Except when it harms children. Really:

“To start off, I support freedom of speech on the internet, but not when it HARMS children.”

I’m sure she supports cars- except when they harm children by running them over and turning them into small, wet speed bumps; food- except when it harms children by making them obese, flatulent and without hope of sex in their future and I’m sure she supports children- except when they’re beating the snot out of her child at school for naving being raised with no backbone or ability to deal with adversity.

Note in her writing what I like to call ‘idiot capitalisations’, originally designed by advertising companies to sell shit that doesn’t work to idiots. Name one great literary work that needed to use bold, italics or capitals to get it’s point accross*. If you’re an idiot just try to name one great literary work. Spider-Man comics don’t count, no matter how much you (or I) want them to.

What Beth has failed to grasp is what we, in the (vaguely) civilised and literate world refer to as a sense of humour. Since Beth was raised with no critical evaluation faculties she assumes her son has none either. Naturally, if maddox encourages suicide, 50cent encourages shooting cops and being ‘a nigga’ or Marilyn Manson encourages whatever it is he is meant to encourage (dressing badly and making a shitload of money?) her son will do them BECAUSE HE HAS ONLY EVER BEEN TAUGHT TO DO WHAT HE IS TOLD*.

I don’t often write to people I know, let alone people I don’t know, but I had to.

Dear Beth,

An interesting site you have, it is important for parents to stick together for the benefit of their children. And it is, of course, perfectly reasonable for you to inflict whatever viewpoint you have on your son. Western governments are kind enough to admit that they don’t have a ‘proper and correct’ methodology for raising children and so allow us all our best shot within a few practical limitations of violence, social cleanliness and sexual perfidity.

Having read the article on suicide you hold in such esteem I would confidently affirm that anyone with an IQ allowing themselves to cross a road unassisted would be able to tell that the article was not meant as a serious treatise. Anyone unable to cross the road unassisted has bigger things to worry about than suicide.

Regardless of your views on the subject I would hope that you would not wish to impose your views and restrictions on to me, an innocent some thousands of miles away who thinks of maddox’s site as one of the best and funniest on the web, regardless of whether I agree with his opinions or not. It is a welcome break from the rubbish turned out by almost everyone else.

As to your problem, perhaps some sort of restriction of your son’s surfing habits is in order, or perhaps you could remove his computer entirely and make him play a little sport. If necessary some sort of chaperone could follow him around 24hours a day making sure that he does not step outside of your clearly defined moral guidelines or, god forbid, become moody.

Perhaps now that it is 2007 and your son still lives you may look back and realise that the deep moodiness you observed was puberty. After all, sexual maturation is a fearful thing when what little you know comes from a combination Hollywood movies and talks with other pubescent teens at lunch.

Nonetheless it is not your place to have maddox banned any more than it would be mine to have panicky, controlling parents ritually and publicly beaten for passing on their somewhat fascist phobias of conflicting views to their children. I think both our chances of success are limited in this regard.

Sincerely,

Jester

I am sure Idiot beth and her ilk would be fuming if they had read this piece and got this far. “He’s just the same type of person!” They would shout, “It’s just them trying to stick together!”

This is not true. I am, in actuality, far worse than maddox. I think of everything as entertainment. Things at least appear to make him actually annoyed and emotive where I only get annoyed or have an emotion if I think it might be amusing to do so. If her child had been dumb enough to commit suicide after one of maddox’s pieces I would find that hysterical (and a relief to the species that his genes were not passed on). I lied about the last use of quotes from your site, by the way maddox, here is an extract of what she fears her 14yr old son read:

“Thinking about suicide but you’re not sure if it’s the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:

1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and do your homework? It’s a sure sign that they don’t love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don’t kid yourself, the message is clear.

4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.”

Yes, if that piece had made her son commit suicide I would laugh like a drain. Smartest species on the planet: my arse. And before you think there is a conspiracy of people like me and maddox against Idiotbeth (and her… Elk?) maddox doesn’t like people like me, either. This is what he has to say about bloggers:

“If the thousands of mid-sentence links don’t annoy you, the long slender columns of text will. Most of the screen on a blog is blank for an imaginary populace of readers still using 640×480 resolution. I didn’t buy a 19″ monitor to have 50% of its screen real-estate pissed away on firing white pixels, you assholes. They don’t print books on receipt paper for a reason. Every time I see this layout, I want to choke the creator with my dry, crackled, and bleeding hands for making my fingers so calloused from having to keep scrolling the mouse wheel to read your dumb ‘blog.'”

I’ll have you know, that’s grey pixels, maddox. Grey! The real irony is Idiotbeth is trying to save kids from “believing Maddox, or else they may grow up to become violent, prejudice adults like him.” I cannot speak for the violent part but prejudice comes from isolation and insular upbringing, not the reverse. Bigotry is a result of the breakdown of critical evaluation faculties (sometimes known as ‘thought’ or ‘thinking’, Idiotbeth) or the lack of access to a broad base of information and opinion and the subsequent parroting of someone else’s ideas and ideals as your own.

No-one should “believe” maddox. Or me. Or their teachers or parents or preachers or uncles who “just want to show them how much they love them”, Idiotbeth. But in maddox’s case you can at least enjoy his opinions, entertainingly presented as they are.

I encourage anyone and everyone to go and observe the evil that is maddox on

http://maddox.xmission.com/

and for further amusement check out Idiotbeth at

http://www.geocities.com/mothersagainstmaddox/main.htm

jester

* Yes, I am using things like capitals and italics and bold after vilifying them. this is called irony, or sarcasm**, or something. Look them up. The rest of the world has known about them for ages, like evolution.
** if sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, at least it is wit. Which is better than witless, idiot.

ref: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net
ref: http://www.geocities.com/mothersagainstmaddox/main.htm

Postscripts

People like idiotbeth lead to the vilification of those people who keep the wheels of the (under)world lubricated- the porn stars, drug dealers, hookers, comedians and fences of stolen goods. All my favourite people, in fact.

I love the fact that her site reads like an advert for maddox if you have an ounce of freedom of thought. See if you aggree:

“Here are some examples of why Maddox’s site needs to be shut down:

Here, he tries to fool kids into believing that suicide is the “right thing” to do.
Here, he promotes child abuse.
Here, he insults “unfit” people and makes them seem like they’re inferior to others.
Here and here, he promotes hate against women while using stereotypical insults.
Here, he promotes the killing of whales.
Here, he makes fun of a group of people just because he doesn’t agree with their life choice.
Here, he tries to offend young kids by insulting their art.
Here, he promotes killing animals, while insulting vegetarians.
Here, he promotes littering.
Here, he insults children and promotes child abuse.
Here, he promotes violence.
Here, he attacks feminism.
Here, he promotes violence against the elderly.
Here, he attacks environmentalist groups and our world.”

Hell, I know I want to read every one of those pieces. Idiots like this need to talk to someone who doesn’t agree with them occasionally.

http://www.freesearch.co.uk- dictionary

 

idiot

noun {C}

a stupid person or someone who is behaving in a stupid way:

– Some idiot left the tap running in the bathroom and there’s water everywhere.

– {as form of address} You stupid idiot – that’s a month’s work you’ve lost!

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