Film reviews always suck, so here are some

February 3, 2007

Author’s desperate and continuing quest for affirmation

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Liked It | Boring | Hated It | Would rather be watching Baywatch

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When I go to the cinema I want to enjoy the experience. I want to enjoy the mystery. I do not want to know anything about the plot, about the characters or about where it was shot. I want to know two things: (1) is it good? and (2) is it the kind of movie i want to see?

What I do not want is a load of drivel from some pretentious cock with a diploma in media studies and the talent of a plum duff who only learned to read at the age of 21- and that was only out of desperation because he could never find a liquor store to rob when he needed one and kept holding up post offices by mistake.

I do not need long winded sentences using big words he looked up in a thesaurus telling me the plot was complicated and then find out in the cinema that anyone with the intelligence of a 5 year old and the attention span of an ADD* sufferer on cocaine could not only have followed the story but crept up behind it, nicked it’s wallet, shagged it’s bird and done a runner before it would know what was going on.

So, if I’m bitching, what do I want? Something succinct, quick to read that gives me the information I need. I need to know genre, cast quality, whether they were on their game, screenplay quality, whether the plot had any originality and quality of direction. How about a review where a person rates all these things and then is allowed just three of their own words. Just 3. 3. To make a point. Make them work for it. Let that thesaurus cripple you bastards.

To show it can be done here reviews of The Departed, a Night at the Museum and Flushed Away. The rating system is out of 5. If I give something a 6 it means I didn’t think something could be that good, like when I first had morphine. Get it? Got it? Good.

The overall rating means this in words: 6- irrational love | 5- outstanding | 4- excellent | 3- impressive | 2- fairly mindless but fun | 1- only has moments worth watching | 0- run away, you are wasting your life.


The Departed (2006)

Genre: Thriller.

Cast: [5] Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon.

Acting: [4] I was immersed.

Screenplay: [4] Sharp, quick, believable.

Plot originality: [4] Nice ending.

Direction: [5] Martin Scorsese. Due an award.

Personal: [4] Really enjoyed myself.

A Night at the Museum (2006)

Genre: Comedy. apparently.

Cast: [2 (for Carla Gugino)] Ben Stiller, Robin Williams, Ricky Gervais

Acting: [0] I left early

Screenplay: [0] There wasn’t one

Plot originality: [0]

Direction: [1] Shawn Levy. Lock him up.

Personal: [0] For the dumb.

Flushed Away (2006).

Genre: Comedy. Animation.

Cast: [3] Hugh jackman, Kate Winslet, Jean Reno.

Acting: [3] Entertaining enough

Screenplay: [2] Enjoyable, funny

Plot originality: [1]

Direction: [4]

Personal: [2] Happy, mindless, fun.

Not really that hard. I have put up the briefest reviews in the world of movies, television and books at, my homepage.

*ADD-  Attention Deficit Disorder


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