World Cup 2010, will you be safe in Darkest Africa?

February 5, 2007

sa2010wc_logo.jpgShort answer. Yes. Comparitively. It really rather depends what you mean by safe. Is it safer than staying in your home with all the doors locked? Not if you’re accident prone as 80% of accidents happen in the home. Will you be safer if you’re driving in your car? Not if you’re blind or a woman or a mysoginist about to be rammed by a woman (an angry one) for making comments about her driving ability. Are you safer at work? Stress contributes to heart disease which kills 70,000 people a year in the UK and 1 million in the USA. So, again, no.

We, out of a population a smidgen over 40 million people had a just a little over 19,000 murders in 2005. That is a lot compared to any one of, say, the G8. Much of this murder happens, just like everywhere in the world, in specific pockets and areas. Where you will be unlikely to be. Nonetheless. How unsafe does this murder rate make it?

Even if we take the straight statistics which mean that we have over 50 murders a day in SA the odds of you dying in one of these on a three week stay are negligible. There is, in fact, a 99.9972% chance of you getting away alive after a three week stay. Deeply dangerous odds only if you are an obsessive compulsive accountant with agoraphobia, paranoia and a persecution complex. Called Steve. If you live in the UK, for instance, the odds of you catching pneumonia are almost the same. In fact the odds of you personally dying of pneumonia in the UK is just a little higher than the odds of you being murdered in Sunny South Africa: 0.00313% vs 0.00278%.

So, if you are British, by coming here for the world cup (where it is never cold enough to get pneumonia) you are, in fact, increasing your survival chances, not decreasing them. The same probably applies to anyone in the USA north of Chicago as well as people from Canada, Iceland, Siberia and Scandinavia.

Our roads are safer than Greece, we have less terror attacks than Spain and we already know how dangerous it is to go to a footie game in Italy (their whole season has been suspended). We have no fear from reprisals over dodgy cartoons (Denmark) and we hardly ever get invaded by Germans (France, Poland, Belgium). We, in recent history, have produced Steve Biko and Nelson Mandela rather than Jose Mourinho and Christiano Ronaldo (the w*nker) which is, of course, irrelevant in this piece, but I wanted to demonstrate our superiority over Portugal.

Austria are rednecks so won’t be able to find South Africa anyway and everything East of that is Soviet Mafia Cowboyland filled with people who can afford better, more accurate and more powerful weapons than us so you’re all probably better off here, too. Our police are more tolerant than the USA and we have less French people than both Canada and France. Which, of course, is also irrelevant in this piece but you have to agree, still a big plus*.

I do think we are lot more dangerous than Switzerland, though. So I don’t think you will cope. Best stay at home and count that Nazi gold again**.

* I am not condoning racism here, just being mean to the French. It’s allowed. Ask anyone who is not French.
** same for the Swiss. Stupid bloody Swiss army knife. Love the watches, really, but Belgium makes better chocolate than you.

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9 Responses to “World Cup 2010, will you be safe in Darkest Africa?”


  1. […] world’s officially appointed jester writes about the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, “Will you be safe in the darkest Africa?” Ndesanjo […]

  2. Pinky Says:

    My name is Pinky, one of the virsa members. We’ll be having marches in Cape Town, Durban and Johannesburg on March 10th 2007; to make our president aware of the millions of South Africans suffering.
    We’d like people to help as much as they can. The things we need help with are: Paper (for printing pamphlets), Printing of pamphlets, T-shirts that people can wear at the march, Volunteers to help sign petition forms and money so the volunteers can eat and have sunscreen.

    We’d also like to put ads in newspapers to create awareness. There is a petition that we’d like signed too. Please go to http://www.virsa.org.za/articles/what_is_VIRSA.htm and read the things we’d like to do. Please contact us on crime@virsa.org.za

  3. Leon Says:

    Some days you’re safer than me. I live in Victoria, BC, and we the provincial capital. If the politicians don’t get ya the placard wavers will. 🙂

    Btw, I found you via SA Rocks.


  4. Hey Leon,

    Fortunately our politicians are easily outwitted and our placard holders often infirm or overweight and are easily outwitted or outrun…

    jester


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  9. southafrican Says:

    just dont come here then!


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