Biffi the Pacifist Slayer

March 5, 2007

Who needs structured entertainment when you have the Vatican? I have been off the case of these lunatics for a few months now since making fun of them is just so easy. But I think this deserves a mention.

This is the Lentern speaker, chosen personally by the Nazi Pope, that, according to The Times “has in the past given a clue to Vatican policy.” Not that we needed the appointment of a 78yr old conservative loony to Lentern speaker after they chose a Nazi over a black man as the new Pope.

He tells us a few things about the Anti-Christ the average thinker without a hotline to Jesus might not have guessed off the cuff. Firstly, it turns out that he will be a pacifist. Yes, you heard it here first. Might is Right and the devil, rather than taking the hindmost (which I never understood), is a pacifist.

“An arch-conservative cardinal chosen by the Pope to deliver this year’s Lenten meditations to the Vatican hierarchy has caused consternation by giving warning of an Antichrist who is “a pacifist, ecologist and ecumenist.”- Times, UK

Popping over to the Bible’s revelations, as I do on a Sunday afternoon, I get a slightly different picture. After you get past the bit in the beginning that seems a little overly-concerned with house-hold furniture(ref#1) and some mention of keys which leads me to visions of a drunken night on the town and a wife keen on IKEA you come across a bit that seems to indicate pacifism is not high on The Beast’s agenda:

“17:11 The beast that was, and is not, is himself also an eighth, and is of the seven; and he goes to destruction.
19:19 I saw the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against him who sat on the horse, and against his army.”

Ignoring the obvious mathematical issues in 17:11 our biblical buddy suffered from the sentence does seem to indicate some sort of violence on behalf of The Beast at 19:19 rather backs that up. Perhaps someone might have mentioned this to Cardinal Giacomo Biffi aka “Biffi the Pacifist Slayer.”

Beelzebub’s buddy on planet earth, his right hand man will also be an ecologist from the tips of his horns to the cloves on his little hoofy-woofies. So it’s time to start sinking those Greenpeace ships now. It’s probably a good bet that the whales, those evil mammals that Greenpeace are so keen on, are in on this too so best we give the Japanese Sushi swallowers those killing rights back as well.

Finally the Devil’s formal representative in his Earth Consulate will be and ecumenist. An ecumenist is someone who tries to find common ground between people so they can get along and join together in peace.

The guy he was quoting, the bloke of whom which he was a fan, the bloke backing him up as it were, was a bloke called Solovyov. Solovyov believed that his mission in life was to move people toward reconciliation or absolute unity or “sobornost”. Sobornost is a Russian word for co-operation between multiple forces. It is frequently translated as “togetherness” or “integrality”. Ecumenity, if you will. We think Biffi wasn’t paying attention in Sunday School.

So, Biffi the Pacifist Slayer is yet another loon in a long line of loons inhabiting the Vatican. It is beyond me to find this anything beyond amusing any more. These are some of the most entertaining people on the planet, haemorrhaging disciples throughout the civilised world like a victim in a Wes Craven movie.

What I really want is a reality show set in The Vatican. Now there’s a show with dollar signs written all over it. I would watch it. Religiously.


Revelations 1:12 I turned to see the voice that spoke with me. Having turned, I saw seven golden lampstands.
Revelations 1:20 the mystery of the seven stars which you saw in my right hand, and the seven golden lampstands



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