midnightjester’s completely twisted dating agency

Lee, female, 25

Lee considered ruling the world but on further consideration realised that you’re all under- achieving and not deserving of her time. If you put in a bit more effort she may reconsider in a couple more years. You are being watched.

Lee would like to tell all you men that size does matter. Lee knows a lot about being on open water after 5 years of rowing and would like you to know that the motion of the ocean is all well and good but no- one wants to navigate the world in a dinghy.

When Lee says “any friend of yours is a friend of mine” she means it. She really does mean that all your friends really only speak to you because they like her and want to get to know her better. It may be sad, but it is true… get over it.

Lee is smart. When she says this to you she does not mean “smarter than a brain surgeon” or “smarter than a rocket scientist” she means smarter than you. Personally. Even if you are a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist. Lee thinks keeping things personal is important. She has a big heart that way.

Lee loves cats and dogs. She loves to stroke their silky hair. She does not feel the same way about men. It’s called electrolysis- look it up you hairy bastard.

Lee thinks you shouldn’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Yes: YOU. Not her. She can put off things as much as she wants because she is talented. But you should, for instance, clean her car, put up some shelves for her, organise her free money and buy her dinner today.

It is true that Lee is always the bridesmaid and never the bride. That is because the bridesmaids get to pick the hottest men at the wedding to have sex with whereas the bride is (apparently) locked into a range of choice of just 1. This, says Lee, sucks and sounds like bad planning when you’re spending all that money on a party.

Fame is inevitable so you will, one day, be seeing Lee’s name up in lights. In pink neon. With Zebra stripes. If you are lucky she will still remember who you are but only if you suck up an appropriate amount before hand. Bear this in mind.

Kevin, male, 34

Kevin does not hail from anywhere in particular. In fact Kevin doesn’t play well with people who ‘hail’ from places as opposed to just being born there. He does not think that being pretentious right from birth is likely to result in a stable personality.

Kevin does not have a stable personality and in fact claims never to have been near a stable in his life, the rumours are untrue and the photos were doctored…

Kevin occasionally resorts to crap puns. Kevin lists under his strengths: “Never owned an ant farm,” and dislikes intensely people who do (doesn’t everyone).

Kevin likes dogs and cats because they never contradict him but only likes humans who do. He likes a good fight but not the physical kind because blood is hell to shift. His response to physical attack is: fall over and wait till they go away. Failing that drop a hand grenade and run like hell (there is seldom violence when all around you are united by common purpose).

Kevin likes money but not people who love money. “Money is mean, not an end,” he is heard to say. We suspect he doesn’t know what he means either but he likes to make obscure statements. Kevin is only moderately good; At punctuation. Editor needed.

Kevin likes praise from complete strangers as he never gets any from the people who actually know him. He has taken to receiving insults as compliments instead and has “you’re a weird plonker” right at the top of the list of nice things to say to people. “You have a weird plonker” is right at the bottom.

Kevin doesn’t like war or fishing, placing them on the same approximate level of mental activity. Of the two he considers war the lesser evil because although people die at least it’s easier to sit through a television program about it.

Kevin thinks people who like hunting are thick and bloodthirsty except when they are pointing a big gun at him. Then he thinks they are (and I quote):

“trulyfantasticwonderfulhumanbeings.”

Kevin likes ‘pragmatic’ but prefers ‘automatic’ as it leaves a hand free for communication purposes. He likes living in small houses as this saves time with finding keys and glasses and wherever he put the alcohol.

Kevin likes a drink now and then. Usually when presented with the choice of a television program on fishing or another on war when he specifically had dodged work that afternoon and it’s too rainy and wet outside to go swimming…

Kevin hates people who talk about themselves in the third person.

Claire, female, 27

Claire says she is a kind, forgiving, maternal soul. She is gentle, subservient and obedient. She is also lying when she says it. Claire once tried being a dominatrix but eventually decided against it as “way too liberal.” Claire loves animals, partying, wealth and humans. In that order. She is way smarter than you. Yes, in your field of expertise, too, whatever it is. So don’t try anything funny.

Claire went to a self- improvement seminar but decided all of it would be a step backwards. Claire tried good behaviour: it didn’t take. Claire tried rules: they didn’t take. Claire tried self-help books: they didn’t take. Claire tried chocolate, alcohol and hedonism: she took it, ordered some more and nicked what there was from the women in the building next door. Next door was a brothel/ drug-den and is now The Church of the Trinity. They don’t go out much.

Claire carries a gun but only uses it “for defence”, “in a crisis” or “when it seems like fun”. She likes a good fight but not the physical kind because other people’s blood is hell to shift as well as being “icky” and “gross”.

Claire has never and will never, ever, even remotely consider taking any illegal substances of any nature whatsoever. Ever. Honest. Trueasgod. Maygodstrikemedown. Claire is an Atheist.
Claire likes praise. Period. Feel free to lavish it on her. Any time. Really. She does not think compliments about her looks mean the person is shallow. It is only natural. They are only speaking the truth, anyway.

Claire believes fervently that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. She also believes the same people should either lose weight or send her their shower schedule as the last time she caught a glimpse she found herself paralysed all down one side for the rest of the day and still wakes up screaming after falling gently asleep watching extremely trashy television.

JJ, male, 29

JJ was once caught with four ounces of weed. He is terribly embarrassed about it as he has never had that little on him before. He apologises profusely. He firmly believes that an idle mind is the devils playground and thinks you should be thanking him for keeping the evil bastard so well occupied.

In his time JJ has burned the midnight oil, the candle at both ends and his bridges. JJ has been arrested for arson twice. In fact JJ has been arrested 12 times by the constabulary and once by a stripper dressed as a cop which he is not sure he should count. The charges were dropped. Mostly. And where they weren’t dropped they were carefully put down and blown up from a safe distance by a bomb squad.

JJ was once at his wit’s end… well, not his. Someone else’s. A problem quickly solved by never talking to the witless idiot ever again. JJ has heard that beggars can’t be choosers. He finds choosing annoying anyway. It’s overrated and just gets him into trouble.