The important thing about modern western civilization is successful lying. Not only to others but yourself. We spend all day being bombarded with lies so outrageous that we become immune to recognising them: this pill will make you thin, this dress will make you gorgeous, that car will get you laid, Iraq/Iran/Israel/ The Disney Corporation is your enemy, Crocs are so comfortable people will forgive you for looking like a moron, that Presidential candidate is completely different from the others and will represent your best interests and these sunglasses will protect your eyes whilst making you look cool and not at all like some half-bug-half-human from a ‘B’ horror movie.

If tasty food full of sauces and decadent pastries make you fat why do the French have one of the lowest obesity rates in the western world? If those sunglasses make you look so cool why wasn’t anyone wearing them 5yrs ago? Fashion is not new technology. If that Presidential candidate is so much your bitch- who gave them the money to run their campaign? Was it you? Didn’t think so… tight-arse.

But the first point (about the French) is true: they consume lots of all the food you shouldn’t eat, they have no worries over “low fat” options and what do you get? Not Texas, surprisingly. You get a country that is in shape despite having the same affinity for gymnasiums as the Bhurka- wearing women of Iran do for the beach. The French do have the advantage of having none of their food created in labs. This is, after all, the country where a terrorist organisation bombed a McDonalds not because they were anti- American but because they thought the food was offensive to the French Culinary Tradition. These are my kinda terrorists: clear thinkers. Why hate a group of people you’ve never met? Hating bad food. That is smart!

The difference between the French and the rest of us is the size of our TVs. The French spend less time working and worrying about acquiring material possessions and more time hanging out with family and friends, having tasty meals and remembering that their boss is just another arsehole who can go jump because, quite frankly, the whole of London will not freeze to death if his company’s line of pullovers arrive a day late. More is the pity, she thinks, as the English are notoriously dour.

So, you’re overweight because you work too hard.

If a comment like that would, as in my case, result in everyone you know falling down in fits of paralytic laughter there is another excuse. That is: more than 50% of you is not even “you”. You see, you are not just a product of your own DNA but a super-organism made of streams of bacteria that have sweet f-a (the technical term) to do with human genetics. You have a kilo of bacteria working for you in your gut, alone. There are 100 trillion cells of “not you” and only a few trillion that are.

This is why you are overweight: it’s not you, it’s them,  and it may be time to break up. The bad news is you need this bacteria to survive. Without it you die. This will guarantee thinness- if that’s what you’re into.

It also explains why people who use anti-bacterial soap always look a little anaemic.

http://independent.com/news/2007/oct/25/eating-french/

http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/news/2004/10/65252

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The USA needs heroes…

October 26, 2007

There is one guy running for President in the USA worth anything. He is a whistle blower, releasing the “Pentagon Papers” (information on the Vietnam war being kept secret by Nixon) and the man who effectively ended the draft in the USA during the Vietnam war. The Senator for Alaska is in no-one’s pocket and was just dropped from the Democratic Nomination debates on NBC for not doing things he did and not being rich enough. This would be the second televised debate that he will be excluded from. Gravel is against the war and vocally for substantial cutting the USA military. NBC is owned by General Electric*, the USA’s biggest arms contractor and the second biggest company in the world. The USA spends more on military than the rest of the world combined (even excluding the cost of the Iraq war).

Mike Gravel asks inconvenient questions like “are you genuinely talking about dropping a nuclear weapon on Iran?” Particularly important for Americans since Putin, yesterday, assured Iran that any attack on its sovereignty will be seen as an attack on Russia.

Come a hero: a young multimillionaire, Gregory Chase, who agreed, if necessary, to simply hand NBC the $1million they say Gravel needs to be taken seriously as a candidate and allowed to debate. He says he is happy to buy advertising on their network for Gravel to that amount if but will hand over the money gratis if required. Chase, a man who seems to understand “sound-bite” culture, said: “We could put it (the &1mil) in a fireplace and burn it for all I care, as long as he gets in the debate.”

Chase has also put up $25,000 for the person posting the Mike Gravel YouTube Video that gets the most hits before January 1st 2008.

Oddly enough this story has been missed by The BBC, Sky and CNN.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bryan-bissell/gravel-supporter-puts-his_b_69789.html

 

*- GE was convicted in 1990 of defrauding the U.S. Department of Defence, and again in 1992 on charges of corrupt practices in the sale of jet engines to Israel.- wikipedia

On the high side of life

October 26, 2007

Just as the British government is considering reclassifying Cannabis a class 3 drug after decriminalising possession some years ago a report is released showing possession amongst 16-24yr olds is down 7% in the last decade. This is hardly a shock to anyone who remembers being young. If any enterprising innovators want to cut out recreational drug use altogether they should make it a compulsory lesson in school. I’m betting just before calculus would be best. Sure, it sounds like it would be fun at first but, in truth, by the time you turned 12 the novelty would have totally worn off.*

But governments aren’t famous for their clear, innovative, well- balanced decisions. Neither are musical artists but Radiohead have reportedly sold 1.2 million copies of their new album inrainbows in the first week by offering it to you for whatever you want to pay- even nothing. A western world sick of capitalism apparently, voluntarily gave an average of $5 for the downloadable album meaning the band did about 5 times better than if they had sold it through a record company.

This is what happens when you give people who take drugs power over their lives: they get all touchy- feely and believe people are just, like, “fundamentally good and generous and shit”. They go and annoy all of us by making millions proving it right. Piety and wealth! I say we burn them at the stake. The album’s quite good, though. I paid $5.

lizdean.jpg

For all those who think that artists taking drugs/ living it up/ driving too fast and dying young is a bad example for the youth I give you the comparison of Elizabeth Taylor and James Dean. Which do you think is a better role model, Mad Liz or the man who said “dream as if you will live forever, live as though you will die today.”? Imagine if Michael had died in a rollercoaster accident before he was accused for the 17th time of being a kiddie fiddler. If Paul McCartney had never joined “Wings”. How much better would our lives be?

Thank you Jimi, Kurt, Janis, John and, of course, James. From a time when artists were more considerate of their fans.

*- what the hell is an 11yr old doing calculus for- that is madness!

Modern Consumer Technology

October 24, 2007

Every day the efficiency of capitalism brings us new, joyous innovations in it’s drive to take us to a future utopia where robots do all the washing up, we no longer have to go to work and have more time to devote to family violence, shopping, drinking and messing up the minds of the next generation.

My favourite all-new, brilliant, fantastic innovation is the all-new, brilliant, fantastic juice carton. Gone are the days when you had a vague dotted line with “tear here” loosely associated with some perforations designed to make the carton almost entirely impervious to any sort of tearing whatsoever. That is unless the person doing the tearing was a body builder or your mom in which case it gave quickly and unexpectedly leaving juice all over you, your mom and, when available, the body builder.

Then she gave you a couple of bucks to bog off and not tell your father that there had been a strange man in the house so you ran off and bought cola instead. Anyone short of a mom or a body builder eventually resorted to scissors or, if brave and co-ordinated, a knife.

Nowadays there are no such troubles. You unscrew a convenient plastic cap under which there is a convenient plastic ring-pull attached to a surgically clean, medically sound, save-the-children foil seal. A quick pull disconnects the ring lightly and easily from the foil, having no useful affect whatsoever, and is discarded in a bin before taking a knife and piercing a convenient hole in the top of the carton.

Which is good news as 30 years on your mother is now in a home and the body-builder is running California.

 

Utopia- not far now!