What the hell is a two star song? I really do not know. I run a music player that works off a 5 star rating and I just cannot fathom the possible use of star number two.

Star number 5 is the most obvious star. This is music that’s special to me. It is music I first had memorable sex to. First kiss. First time driving a car and first time committing a minor crime. It was music I was listening to when a cheating ex-girlfriend got hit by a car. Pinnacle moments. Special music that I connect with emotionally in a way I could never have done with people like that cheating ex-girlfriend or her small yappy-type dog.

Four star music is music I recognise as good. Music that can affect my mood. Music that I would recommend to friends. Some four star music may even be better played, written and conceived than the 5 star music but, as I have mentioned, it does not connect to something special, unfathomable and possibly disgusting and illegal in my past so it misses out on that special extra star.

Three star music is music I will not murder someone and bury them in my basement (if I had a basement) for playing. It is tolerable, background music. I am keeping it available out of compassion for guests in my home who may not consider The Offspring suitable background dinner music. It will never make it’s way into my car, though, that would be too much.

One star music sucks. The only reason one star music stays on my system is because I am petty. I paid for that damn music and I am damn well going to keep it until I encounter someone else who likes it. Then I will give them that music, delete it from my computer forever… as well as that person’s telephone number because the only person who is worse than someone who will listen to my one star music is someone who actually uses the half-star option on these programs.

No star music I just have not gotten around to listen to yet. It’s the second half of the album of that band that had one good song- and I made the truly horrible mistake of buying their entire album. It’s like buying the Matrix series of movies. You find out that what you thought was talent was just some kind of incredible fluke. Yes, I am talking to you K-OS, the makers of the wonderful song Crabbukkit and exactly fuckall else pleasant.

So who rates a song two stars? Anything less than 3 you just don’t like. How can it really matter how much you do not like it? Is your life that empty that making such a judgement is a legitimate use of your time? Unless you are as twisted and petty as me it shouldn’t even be in your collection any more. Get down to a homeless shelter and donate your time you feckless idiot. They value their lives more than you value yours. Maybe you will learn something.

The only people more disturbing than two star people are something-and-a-half star people. They must be robots. Emotionless automata made by Nazi, Stainist or Apple scientists deep inside a mountain somewhere. How can you confidently predict day-to-day, on a 10 point rating scale- how much you are going to love a song tomorrow? Are you that emotionally consistent? Get off the beta blockers and join the world!

By the way, anyone who hasn’t heard the Black Keys Album Brothers is missing out. Start with Tighten Up, Next Girl and Howlin’ For You and move on from there.

I wonder if anyone still reads this?