As a clean living, heterosexual, white, agnostic male I would like to know: when I clean my bum, how far am I allowed to stick my finger up it, if at all, before I may be considered a potential homosexual. Bearing in mind that this is for cleaning purposes only and it does not give me any pleasure whatsoever (no, not even from pressure on my prostate) no matter what all the women’s magazines and Dr. Ruth may say.

Also, after a bowel movement, can I use a b-day for additional cleanliness after the initial wiping faze is complete followed by a toweling (yes, paper towel: duh!) off faze. Again bearing in mind that this does not give me pleasure and I am doing this merely for reasons of personal hygiene.

Now, people may not consider these pertinent questions but to them I say: “Hygiene  is just a greeting to you, isn’t it? Go take a bath.” They are especially pertinent to me because I have been cursed with a hairy bum. And if you think it’s not a curse you do a survey of a hundred women and see if any of them like a guy with a hairy bum. If you find one I’ll bet you’ll find thumbscrews and handcuffs in her car trunk (but I’m desperate so send me her number anyway).

It is just too embarrassing to go to a beauty clinic and if I got my own wax I would still need someone to rip it off for me. If someone loved me that much the hairy bum probably wouldn’t bother them either. I considered going for that laser hair removal but then I realized that it was a rip off, they should be paying me. After all, they pay women with long hair to have it cut off so they can make wigs. Where do you think they get the hair for guy’s replacement therapy, after all?

Back to the point. Men are afraid of their bums. It’s quite something to be afraid of but we are. We are particularly afraid of them because we are all homophobic as all hell (apart from the homosexuals themselves, I assume). The average male assumes that should any object pass the outer sphincter muscle this may immediately render him a homosexual for life. He would have to start wearing women’s underwear and walking funny (it’s the women’s underwear that does that-there’s no room for the manhood, let alone his matched luggage). What they actually fear is that it might be pleasurable. What I don’t get is, why can’t they see that a female with a dildo could do the same job? Do they realize that a great many gay couples don’t like anal sex and stick to oral. Should heterosexuals be afraid of opening their mouths next? We could be fed through a drip and write all our conversations on Post-Its.

As for the b-day question: I know what they’re meant for, stupid. But can’t a kettle also be used for heating milk (I’m a guy, remember, we don’t always think consequences), a photocopier for copying more than documents (I love office parties) and those old 5 pound cell-phones as cultural weapons? It seems to me the idea of defecating and then wiping with a paper towel alone just isn’t enough (especially for a hairy bum). So, gentlemen, next time you lighten your load, turn on the fountain and say “Hi Jean.”

It’s about time that guys stopped worrying about homosexuals. If you were one, odds are you would know about it. If you are one, c’est la vie, fighting it won’t make you happy, you have to be who you are and no matter if society gets it’s nickers in a twist about it. I refer to what a major in the British Army is reputed to have said about allowing gays into the military: “Allow them? Yes, fine. As long as they don’t make it compulsory.”


One Response to “99.03.29 Hairy Bum?”

  1. lisa Says:

    fantastic story friends think it is hilarious…

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