In recent years there has been a monumental surge in advertising aiming to capture the highly prestigious and, lets not deny it, lucrative panty-liner market. Yes, all human beings on the planet not occupying some form of catatonic state will by now know, in careful laboratory detail, the absorbent capabilities of the many different panty liner options available today. I, for one, now feel deeply enriched, fully educated and highly sarcastic on the matter of panty-liners.

Panty liners, over the years have evolved through various mechanisms: special blue liquids, sponge manufacturers, female scientists, entire advertising teams and, on one occasion, a friend of mine named Harold  who worked for SAA have been called in to consult on the subject. And now we have panty liners that can dry out entire rivers. Panty liners that grip and hold better than a Pirelli. Panty liners on Red Bull.

And they seem so smug about it all. They’re stupid and smug. “Put a female scientist on the ‘Panty Liner Development Squad'”. Who wrote that memo? Did they get an award? A bonus? A promotion for original thinking? And what’s with the blue liquid? Are we, as human beings, really that pathetic that if they used the right colour fluid to demonstrate it’s effectiveness we would freak out? If so, can you imagine the poor Royals watching the advert? They’d all be sitting there in front of the TV, eating their dinner, the ad comes on and they all go “Eewwwww,” that’s disgusting, couldn’t they have used a different colour?

And as for the adverts themselves. They’re shameful lies, and not just the panty liner ads, we’re covering the whole caboodle here. Typically, they show some female in a state of anguish. Like her whole family has just been killed in an airplane crash leaving only two young babies, three cats, two dogs, a cockateel, a mortgage and a large mound of debt. Her boyfriend just dumped her but not before her husband found out and he wants a divorce and now he’s taking her to court to get alimony out of her. And she pops into the toilet for a couple of moments and comes out looking refreshed, cleaned up, in control and generally happy.

Are they giving away ampules of heroin free with each purchase? Are we going to eventually see women, sunken eyes and trembling hands, hiding behind veils going into chemists and ordering: “A gross of panty liner’s please.”

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